17 January, 2005 - 12:30 a.m.
I feel dreadful, totally over-medicated. Prozac was put up to 60mgs a few weeks ago and I have been unconcious most of the time since. I just sleep and sleep. There are a few hours in the day when I can function but then I have to take my meds again and I am sedated again.
I think it is because I am taking so much medication, I am on Lithium and carbamazepine as well as prozac. Sometimes I wonder how much damage I am doing to myself and I am really frightened. Frightened because I don't think that my psychiatrist cares what drugs I take so long as he doesn't get into trouble.
I have been off work dince Oct 2004 and I don't know how I can go back to work if I am this asleep all the time.
I am a mental health nurse and I feel I should know how to heal myself but I don't, or maybe I can't. I just want to sleep.
I suppose a positive is that I am too tired to feel suicidal. The sleep replaces that. So if anyone asks me how I feel I honestly don't know because I am asleep. How can I feel when I am asleep.
I am a legal drug addict, totally bought into the cause. Flying a thousand flags for the multi-million drug companies who couldn't care less whether I am better or worse so long as I keep taking the pills.
And I know this is true. As a nurse I watch people take these pills day in, day out and mostly all they get are the side-effects. I've seen anti-psychotics work but anti-depressants seem to be brightly coloured sugar pills. But still I keep taking them.
I think I take them for the side-effects, for the way that they make me doped and drugged, I don't think in the 10 years I have been on variations of these drugs that they have ever, ever done what they say they will, lift my mood.
